it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
