this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
