He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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