Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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