I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I am midnight drunk by noon
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Less talking, more tequila
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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