News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
