Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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