She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
