i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
