its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just gift wrapped bread.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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