I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
