we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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