maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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