im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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