Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
