hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
