I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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