how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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