I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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