Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
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