what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
