Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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