Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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