got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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