I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
