her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
