I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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