Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
