I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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