why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
