There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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