How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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