i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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