you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
