i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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