I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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