I want to have your abortion
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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