My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize