just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
