dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
