Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
