Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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