Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
