Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
