Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
