My friends, they love my intelligence
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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