Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
