So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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