my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
