My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
