her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
