If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
