I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
