Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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