Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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