if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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