I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
