I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
