census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He better not be in your backpack
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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